Our Beloved

It’s been a year
but still seems like only yesterday,
I stood next to her sobbing
while they took you away.

I held her hand,
she cried on my shoulder.
I tried to stay strong
but felt tormented it was over.

One day she’s making plans,
looking towards your bright future.
The next she’s laying her love in the ground,
wondering why God has put her through this torture.

We stared blankly,
empty inside,
while they covered you with the earth
and she was forced to say her last goodbye.

You were her ground.
You kept her steady.
But with one instance I watched her start floating,
wondering if she’ll ever be ready.

Why did you leave us?
She still needs you.
Life can be so unfair,
You still had work to do.

I pass by the house,
it’s still so fresh.
The memories are still roaming,
as if you never left.

I stand here now
staring at your stone.
I’m a different person because of you,
and in that, I know I’m not alone.

The wounds have closed,
the scars are healing.
But I know I’ll never be able to hear your name
without getting that feeling.

She loved and she lost.
She smiled through the pain.
You’d be so proud of her.
Your love was not in vain.

We know we’ll see you again someday,
when the weight of this world lets us go.
So with that, I’ll end by saying,
“See ya in a day or so.”

In memory of my mom's late fiance', Donald Brown

"You Take the High Road"

As children, we're taught the difference between right and wrong. As teenagers, we learn how far we can push the limits between the two. And as adults, we learn the right thing is usually the hardest to do, but that the benefits are worth it. So why through all this growing up and experience do we still choose to do the wrong thing? It's simple: because the low road is easier, and has instant gratification. But what happens when you reach your destination and turn around to look at your journey? Will you be proud of what you've accomplished? Or ashamed of how you got there? Because as we all know, it's not about the destination, but the journey. Some may think it doesn't matter how you got there, but simply that you did... but anyone who's been tested knows the truth. And what is the goal I'm talking about? Happiness. Fulfillment. Satisfaction.

A friend of mine shared this quote and it really spoke to me: "Choosing God, choosing life, choosing love - these are way harder than choosing misery. We love our lazy lunacy. We are addicted to it. The world of our modern culture is built to keep us there. But love awaits, and love always wins, and we get to receive it if we are willing to open our hands and hearts and let go." That is the raw truth in print. People would rather be lazy and miserable than take a challenge to be happy. Who said happiness comes easy? But the journey and obstacles you overcome are what make it so great when you finally get there. You just have to be willing to open up and put the work in.

Currently in my life there are people that are choosing the easy way out. I don't expect perfection, and no one is a saint; but I do wish to stick to my personal values. And part of that is choosing what you subject yourself to. If you're constantly accepting things you don't agree with, you end up desensitizing yourself and compromising your integrity. And before you know it, you're going down the wrong road right there with them. Part of doing the right thing is making the hard decision of not associating with the people that bring you down. You're not judging them, you're just making a decision to stick to your morals and not tempt yourself by being around the sin. "You are who you hang with."

The high road may be lonely; but at least I'll know my destination was worth the journey, and that I took the right road to get there.

Forgiving the unforgivable

This is an excerpt from a blog I used to follow and found comfort and guidance in:

Forgive and Forget? Not Really...
by Carla Rossi

To forgive is a powerful thing.
To not forgive is even more powerful. But not in a good way.
Huh. I guess I should be working on that…I’ll explain.

I am a lifelong Christian. My first love was Jesus, my first classroom was Sunday School. My Godly mother instilled in me the basic truths of my faith and I embraced them. I obeyed the Ten Commandments, loved my neighbor, and exercised my mustard seed faith. As far as I knew, I’d learned how to turn the other cheek, love my enemies, and forgive - just as God instructed over and over in His Word.

Then last week as I talked to a friend about a sad period in my life when I was hurt, betrayed, and persecuted by those who were supposed to be my friends and fellow believers, I stumbled upon a terrible truth about myself: I was the owner of a king-sized grudge. The more I shared with her about how I was wronged and cast out, the more anger and resentment bubbled inside me, and I knew if anger and resentment resided there, it was because total, honest forgiveness had not taken place.

I decided to investigate further. “Do you think I hold grudges?” I asked my husband as we waited for American Idol to start.
“Yes.” He didn’t even hesitate.
I was appalled. “Really?”
“Aw, c’mon, Bun.” (He used to call me Honey Bunny, which morphed into Bunny, and now, just plain Bun.) “You’re still mad at me for things I did fifteen years ago.”
“I am not.”
“You are. Remember when I accidentally mowed down your wisteria?”
I became royally agitated. “Give me a break! I put a bright orange ribbon on a huge wooden stake. How could you not see that? The space shuttle could detect it from space, and you just mowed right over it!”
“I rest my case.”

Oops.Next stop: prayer closet.

I began to prayerfully explore hidden anger and buried resentment. I asked God to show me where I’d messed up, who I’d neglected to forgive, and what I needed to do. I delved into submerged pain and forgotten hurts and one by one asked God for help. And the funny part? I realized I never had any trouble asking for forgiveness, I just had a heck of a time giving it.

The challenge: Take a look inside yourself. Are you harboring resentment? Or withholding forgiveness from someone who needs to know it’s okay? The time and energy spent holding that grudge is time better spent receiving the blessings you’ve missed.
Find it, fix it, forgive it, forget it.

This blurb really hit close to home to me, because I've been going through a really hard time in my life right now. I tend to take some things personally in relationships, and in a specific one I've been getting hurt over and over and allowing that to wound my spirit. This was my response to it. My first emotion was anger, because I felt like having to forgive after getting hurt so badly was unfair... but the conclusion I ended up coming to surprised me.

You make a very good point. You haven't truly forgiven someone unless you're willing to let it go and forget about it. But then when does the "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me" thing come into play? Or, as Christians, is the answer... never? Do we just always turn our cheeks and continue to get hurt when we've been wronged before? Is that what being like Christ is... not standing up for yourself? So we just stand back and take it, and have the faith that the person wronging you will learn their lesson this time, or that God will intervene? Doesn't God want us to respect ourselves also? Where do you draw the line between being forgiving, and being self-inflicting?

I guess, standing up for yourself can mean different things. Instead of retaliating with anger and taking matters into your own hands, you stand up for yourself by giving it to God and killing it with kindness. By giving it to God, you ARE fighting back... because who is stronger than He? And by killing it with kindness, you are being an example and showing the person who wronged you what Christ's love is like... it's unconditional. Being strong isn't throwing punches and twisting the knife, it's having enough self control to hold back when all you want to do is swing, and loving that person when you want to hate. So just because you're not being "in your face" and forceful, doesn't mean that you're not fighting a battle... it just means that you're doing it in a Christian way. And in the end, you won't feel full of negativity or defeated... because you have God on your side this time. And that in itself is winning not only the battle, but the war.

I wrote that about a week and a half ago, and I think it's still taking it's time to seep into my heart and really marinate. True forgiveness is a hard concept to grasp, but once mastered it can be liberating. I've also learned that until we really learn to forgive others, we ourselves cannot be forgiven . So really, when you hold onto that grudge, you're also holding onto your own hurt against yourself. If you don't forgive others, how can you forgive yourself?... because, in reality, you are your own worst critic.

Let go, and let God.

let's duke it out

Opposites attract they say. Sometimes I think that saying was made up in order to make people feel better when they figure out they're with someone that doesn't get them at all. "He doesn't understand me, but that's not his fault... it's just because we're different." That's bogus. He doesn't understand you for one of two reasons: you're not communicating effectively, or he doesn't care enough to try. Simple as that. And if you realize down the road that the person you're with doesn't make you happy, you can't just say "oh, we're just different." No, if you're not happy then something's not right in your relationship and you need to figure out what it is and decide where to go from there... not just blame it on the account of differences and burry it in the sand. It will work it's way to the surface again. I hate that society today thinks avoidance can substitute resolution. Just because you didn't have a fight about something doesn't mean it's not an issue. I'd rather have the fight, work out our differences, and come to a resolution than avoid the thing all together. Where is the growth in that? It's time for people to start being accountable for their own issues and feelings, instead of pretending like things are fine just to "make face." How is that healthy? There is a such a thing fighting in a constructive manner. If you avoid the problem, then you avoid resolution and growth. End of story.